Why Do You Feel It Necessary to Have an Enemy?

In this article

Vernon Howard once wrote

“When someone insists on arguing, ask them, ‘Why do you feel it necessary to have an enemy?’”
I once asked that very question.

A Lesson from My Model Railroad

Years ago, my brother-in-law Bill came over to see my model railroad — a work in progress that I was proud of. I’d built the trestle, weathered old buildings, and even made my own trees. It wasn’t perfect, but it was authentic — a labor of patience and creativity.

Bill, however, was a self-professed expert in everything. Within minutes, he was criticizing every detail. My handmade trees, my guardrails, even the way I aged the siding on a small depot building. I explained that I’d read the guides, consulted fellow model railroaders, and was learning through trial and error — part of the fun.

He smirked and began another round of critique. That’s when I stopped him and asked, “Bill, why do you feel it necessary to have an enemy?”

He looked startled. Then, after a pause, he muttered, “I’m giving you my advice.”

He didn’t get it — or chose not to. But that question hung in the air long after he left.

What Vernon Howard Meant

Howard’s insight isn’t about silencing disagreement — it’s about revealing ego. When someone needs to argue, they often aren’t seeking the truth. They’re seeking dominance, validation, or a sense of superiority.

It reminds me of Desmond Tutu’s wisdom: “Don’t raise your voice. Improve your argument.” Genuine dialogue isn’t a contest of volume but an exchange of understanding.

Buddha put it another way: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else — you are the one who gets burned.”

And Thich Nhat Hanh added, “The moment we love our enemy, he ceases to be our enemy.”

These teachings converge on a single truth: conflict is often more about the self than the subject.

Choosing Peace Over Power

Asking someone, “Why do you feel it necessary to have an enemy?” doesn’t accuse — it invites reflection. It changes the tone, even if only for you. It frees you from playing the unwinnable game of ego.

People like Bill may never understand. But that’s fine. The lesson isn’t about changing them; it’s about changing you.

When we refuse to take the bait, we reclaim something precious — peace of mind.

So the next time someone argues, criticizes, or insists they know better, pause before defending. Ask the question — or think it silently. You’ll find that the true victory isn’t in winning the argument, but in keeping your calm.

Share Article

Picture of Brad G. Philbrick
Brad G. Philbrick

A grant proposal writer of biotechnology and healthcare

Search Our Site

In this article

Related Articles

Breakfast With A Ghost

Note: Breakfast with a Ghost was awarded Honorable Mention in the Humor category of the 94th Annual Writer’s Digest Writing Competition. — My mother is

Read More 🡢

Observations: A Refreshing Take on What Most People Miss

Welcome to Observations — a newsletter for anyone who believes the small things aren’t so small. Each edition offers a short, insightful reflection drawn from life, work, writing, or memory — all viewed through the lens of someone who has learned that real understanding begins when we slow down and notice.
 
You won’t find formulas or fluff here. Just thoughtful takes on what often goes unnoticed — the silence between words, the subtle cues of emotion, the wisdom in a half-remembered moment.
 
It’s not just a newsletter. It’s a pause. A deep breath. A fresh perspective.
 
Because sometimes, all it takes is a shift in what you see to change how you live.

We promise we’ll never send you any spam.